I was going through my phone today and I found this in my "notes" section
I wrote it when I was alone in the hospital with Emma one night....
when we were at the UMass NICU for longer than I ever thought I would be
I wrote it down because it helped me handle my emotions that night
and I share it with you because I don't want to forget
how grateful I feel EVERY DAY for my healthy, happy babies!!
July 29, 2013
You were sick but didn't know how to tell us
But dad knew.....and he took you to the ER
I looked up symptoms of hand foot and mouth disease while dad drove you
to the ER and I stayed home pacing back and forth with Ava and Tyler.
The first thing I read was a story of a woman who's kid got it at daycare
and had to have a lumbar puncture in ER......
"that won't happen to us" I thought
Soon I was on my way to the ER as the doctors indeed wanted to perform a lumbar puncture on you because it's "protocol"
I wanted to know why....I didn't want that needle in my 3 week olds back...but Dad had already made up his mind and he was waiting for me to realize it had to be done....so we said yes
Moments later they were done "went well" "fluid looks good".....
and then moments later a doctor sat in front if us
and said Meningitis...
How quickly your world can be turned upside down....
that your most precious babies can be so sick and you can feel so helpless.....
that one word could make your father cry
So dad and I had to get our emotions in check and pull together for you...
because you we're a fighter...because you needed us...
and because we desperately needed you to be okay
The next 48 hours would be some of the longest I have known....
although thanks to your big sister Ava who went to the hospital at 3 days old...
We were a little bit more prepared
I knew I couldn't handle blood draws or IV placement....that is without crying with you, nose running, not caring what the nurses thought because my baby was screaming... And Dad knew that too!! So I couldn't avoid them all but he helped me try....
We knew we had to get sleep to stay strong for you...but the only thing worse than being with you at the hospital is being home without you.... So we decided that sleep could wait until Tuesday.....and we waited for Tuesday....
48 hours for cultures....
48 hours to pray for them to say " it's viral, not bacterial".....
48 hours to lose my shit and cry my eyes out thinking about the "what if's".....
48 hours for me to figure out where the fuck I was going in this huge hospital as I shuttled back and forth to home....48 hours
